From Me to You

I still remember the day it all suddenly became real, 

 how my knees weakened after they told me you've left,

 how they rushed me into my old English classroom,

how even after receiving the worst news of my life, the sun still shined through and left behind a beautiful mark of light that filled the room.

Mrs. Mouw, I was introduced to you when I was 13, I didn't know it at the time but I truly was given a miracle when you walked into my life. I was suffering from a huge loss when we met and I had built these walls of heartache for years, I fought so much to keep them up and yet you never judged me for it. You worked with it and treated it gently unlike everyone else I came across. You helped me in a way that was perfectly paced for me, without making me feel bad about this thing I built. 

You stayed with me all the way up until I was 16. You watched me grow and overcome my struggles for almost 4 years of my life, and not once did you make me feel judged. You saw my good days and my bad days, you even took the time to hear all my ridiculous stories that I’d bring up for no reason at all. You helped me get out of the worst classes, which was probably something you weren't even allowed to do, but you did anyway ( I owe you one ha!) .

You even offered to go with me to get set up for antidepressants. I was alone for my mental health journey all throughout the time we had together. My parents wanted nothing to do with it, so I was alone. I was so scared of going to that appointment on my own, but once you found out you jumped at the chance to be by my side through the whole process, something I’m still so grateful for. 

You died before that appointment could happen.

After your death I became the worst version of myself , I was once again facing grief  head on, except this time it was because of  losing you. I regret a lot of who I was and how I treated people during this time. I pushed away again because I was so scared. Something I still am so disappointed about, you taught me better and yet I went back to my old ways. 

I stayed like that all the way up until I graduated. 

I truly was at the lowest point of my life during graduation, I still believe to this day you were one of the people who deserved to watch me walk, but life had other plans. 

I couldn't take all the emotions I had bottled up all over again, the idea of staying never felt right to me. I couldn't even see a future for myself…so for once in my life I made my own decision.

June 8th 2021, I planned to end my life. 

I decided I’d let my family celebrate the joy of me graduating, one last happy memory with me before I went through with my plan. June 5th 2021 I graduated, I struggled so hard showing up to that school again seeing friends of mine that I wasn’t able to see for almost two years because of covid. I smiled and laughed but I felt like such a fraud, they had no idea what I was planning. No one did.

Finally…the day came. I spent the last few days exactly how I promised. Made sure my family got what they wanted most from me. I sat in my room, looking at my pills. All I could think was: “I was finally going to be free”.

 I sat there for what felt like forever, when the feeling of something hit me. I never could find out what it was, what was stopping me from this decision I was so adamant about. I just couldn't get myself to do it and I cried. I cried for so long and all I could think about was the people I love and cared for and how selfish I was going to be to just leave them behind like that. I was going to hurt them and I didn't even care. 

Two months had passed when I got a call from my brother. He seemed so excited and just couldn't hold in the news any longer.

He was going to be a dad. I was going to be an aunt.

I was the first person they told and I’m still so honored that I was. After the call I couldn't help but think  I was going to miss out on all this. I was going to miss out on a new chapter of my brother's life.

Mrs. Mouw, You knew my relationship with my siblings was rough. We never got along and I always told you that, I’m so sorry for constantly bringing that up by the way. Must have driven you crazy!!  It all feels so childish now. After you died my siblings and I got closer. I have no doubt in my mind that you did something to make that happen. I just know you did. I also believe you were the reason I didn't go through with my plans that day. Thanks to you I get to see this chapter of my brother's life and finally be a part of it. I got a second chance of life and I planned not to let that go.

I started therapy again after two years of  running from my problems. It was really hard at first, I struggled so much again to open up and let people know how I was feeling. I really felt like giving up again, but I didn’t. Mrs. Mouw you won't believe how much I’ve left my comfort zone. I was finally able to give up those hoodies I always wore and the biggest thing…I got a haircut! After 12 years of the same hairstyle, which you know the reason for. I finally let it go, and I’m so happy I did. I finally started dressing how I wanted to. For once in over 9 years I finally liked who I saw in the mirror. I was finally beginning to feel like me. I don’t want to make it sound like it was easy, because trust me it wasn't!! Even now I still get super anxious about certain outfits and take hours debating if I should even wear them. (Thank you to my sister for having to hear all of my woes during this time. It must be so shocking for you to see us getting along) but I push through. I’m back on my medication, I stopped taking it sometime during covid because I just couldn't get myself to but now it’s been a year and I’m proud of myself for keeping it up (Although I do forget some days..oops)

I’m also attending college now, I actually took an interest in art therapy. I don’t know what the future holds for me or if I will even choose this path, but I want to be able to help people just like you did Mrs.Mouw. 

As for my therapy, it was a two year program. My first year truly was the hardest and it really was showing. I had therapy almost every week and struggled so much with having to reopen the wound of losing you. I remember one day my therapist saying “Would you rather have met her, experience this again and feel all the things you felt or not have met her at all?”  I told her I would do it all over again. Even the part where I’d lost you, because I just couldn't imagine a world where we didn't meet. I couldn't imagine not having someone who didn't see me as a monster, someone who wouldn't jump at the opportunity to help me with things that felt like world ending issues to me because she knew how hard I took things, someone who told me it was okay to take my time and grieve, someone who believed my mental health issues to be true and not just an excuse, and I couldn't imagine not having met someone who saved my life countless of times.

Around my last year of therapy my niece was finally here. It took a bit to meet her, some things were a bit complicated but then I did. Mrs.Mouw I wish I could tell you how happy I was. I cried because I was here. I was here and I was holding her. I imagined all the things you said and all the new things I've learned with my therapist and nutritionist and I cried, but for once it was because I was so happy. I know you saved me that day.

During my time in therapy I struggled a lot with food and just not eating well. I always used food to cope and it really was affecting. My therapist ended up recommending me to a nutritionist. It was scary to me having something new to bring up and meet someone new, but I'm really glad I did. Her name is Julie. She helped me at my pace and she didn't shame me at all. I felt so comfortable around her like we were already friends. After my niece was born I sadly had to say goodbye to Julie, she had some new things going on so she was leaving the program. Julie is by far one of the kindest people I know. She really helped with my food problem and thanks to her I’ve been working on eating better. And have been for a year now. She's also very funny and loved to laugh about my watermelon obsession. When I got the news that she was leaving it hurt, but oddly enough I wasn't scared. It felt like a new opportunity to use the advice you'd given me all those years ago. We met up for the last appointment, I gave her this adorable shark plushie and a handwritten note. I opened up to her and told her how grateful I was to have met her. I always struggled with telling people how much they mean to me but, Mrs. Mouw, let me tell you..I have gotten so much better, ha I think I might be annoying my friends by how much I tell them! But I don’t care, cause I truly mean it. 

I hugged her that day, I told her I thought I was finally becoming the hugging type. 

Julie reminded me so much of you, Mrs. Mouw. Obviously she's her own person and so are you but you two would have gotten along so well.  Did you send her my way? Did you know she would be the one to remind me that I was going to be okay, and that even though she's leaving I’ll find others in this world to appreciate? I’ll never know, but between you and me, I have a feeling you put us on the same path and I thank you for that. 

Now I’m here, I actually officially finished up therapy a couple months ago. It’s crazy to think, I mean I’ve been in therapy since I was 13. I always felt like I was going to be stuck in therapy forever. That I was never going to get better, but here I am. I won’t say I'm “cured”  because deep down I still have this monster who wants me to falter, but this time I feel like I can handle it, because I know I’m not alone. 

I wish I could tell you everything, especially on days like this. It is a little ironic, we met because I was experiencing the worst loss at the time. You gave me advice on how to deal with everything I was going through and now I’m using that advice to cope with the loss of you. Thank you. Thank you for listening to me, thank you for treating me with kindness, thank you for being the first hug I had in years, thank you for sticking with me until the very end, and thank you for saving my life. I can't wait to see you again.

Yours truly, 

Juliana